Day of the Black Dolls
by PhantomTF
Summary: A bizarre plague strikes the Transformers, rendering them inert


Author's note: No, this isn't supposed to make any sense. It started with a little inside joke and quickly mushroomed to a work of insanity.

The Day of the Black Dolls

by Phantom 

One fine day Bumblebee awoke from his rest cycle and stretched out, thinking of all the fun he would have. He got out of the recharging berth and went down the corridor to Skids' quarters. He rapped on Skids' door, which, for some reason, was now black, and called out, "Skids! Hey, Skids, wake up!" 

There was no reply. Bumblebee was getting worried. He knocked harder on the door. "Hey, Skids, come on! Get up!" There was still no answer. Bumblebee pressed a button, which was also black, and the door whooshed open. 

Skids lay on the recharging berth, still unconscious. The berth used to be tan, but now it was black! Bumblebee went over and shook his friend. Suddenly he recoiled in horror. Skids was all black! He was a black doll! 

Bumblebee knew all about the Black Doll disease. It happened whenever Kup, or any other ancient Transformer, neglected to keep up with their hygiene and cleansing rituals. They began to produce rust spores, which become airborne and infect both organic and inorganic matter, making everything inert and lifeless. So far the only cure has been to play "The Touch" at universe-shattering decibels. 

Bumblebee ran out of the room. He burst into Cliffjumper's room and stopped short. Cliffjumper was sitting in his chair, which was now black, staring blindly at the wall. He had become a black doll, too! 

Bumblebee panicked and ran to the recharging chamber. He gasped in shock. The chambers were occupied by black dolls! Not only that, the energon flowing into them was black as well! The occupants just lay there, staring at the ceiling. 

Bumblebee forced himself to calm down and think rationally. Optimus Prime would know what to do. The Autobot leader was not only the biggest and strongest of the Autobots, he was also the smartest. However, Bumblebee was the only Transformer who didn't realize that this was just a bunch of apeslag Autobot propaganda for them to become more popular, win the war, sell many comics (and for Prime to get the girls). Thus reassured, Bumblebee headed for Teletran One's control room. 

Bumblebee peered into the cavernous room cautiously, having the strange feeling that something was not quite right. The major clue was that Teletran One was all black. Bumblebee spotted his leader seated facing the mammoth console. 

Bumblebee said timidly, "Prime? Uh, something's really wrong around here." There was no reply. He walked slowly forward. 

"Prime?" Still no answer. He turned Prime's chair around, and in it was... a big, black Prime doll! 

Bumblebee screamed shrilly. Sirens wailed, and Teletran One said, "Decepticons! Decepticons! Decepticons!" 

"Alright, already!" Bumblebee cried. "Decepticons, Decepticons," Teletran repeated until Bumblebee gave it a good, strong kick. "Ouch," Teletran muttered. "See if I let you in the base again." 

Bumblebee was really scared (no, not of Teletran!). The Decepticons were attacking, and he had to face them all alone! It was up to him to defend the base, his friends, the Earth, the universe, and his secret collection of Playbot magazines. 

Suddenly a light came on in his head. It was rather dim, but it was better than nothing. "Gotta get this light switch fixed," he muttered and turned it off, not realizing that the light was a figure of speech. His brainstorm hit him. "Ow," he muttered, rubbing his head and looking around suspiciously. His optics focused on Prime's inert form. Bumblebee was positive his leader was smiling under his battle mask. 

"I suppose I can always try to fool the Decepticons into thinking Prime's about to attack," he murmured to himself. It was a long shot, but it was the best he could think of. He pulled Prime out of the chair and dragged him outside. Prime left a trail of black behind him. Boy, was he ever heavy! "Gotta cut down on the forty-weight, big guy," Bumblebee grunted. 

He stumbled outside with his burden and stopped short in amazement. The Decepticons had all turned into black dolls! Bumblebee heaved Prime through the air at Megatron. Prime struck his enemy's form, and they both tumbled to the ground, Prime pinning his enemy underneath him. The spot they were laying on turned black. 

Bumblebee knew he had to escape quickly, before the black doll spores infected him. Just then he heard the familiar sound of a shuttle engine igniting. He remembered that Ironhide was going to Cybertron that day for a shipment of Cybertonium. The Autobots wanted a copious supply, just in case. He shouted, "Ironhide! Wait up!" and ran towards the spaceship. Suddenly, the ship turned black! The door closed behind Bumblebee as the spaceship took off. 

"Thanks, Ironhide," said Bumblebee gratefully. There was no reply. "Oh, no!" he groaned and looked at his friend. Actually, Ironhide hated Bumblebee and thought he was a worthless piece of scrap, but that's beside the point. Ironhide was a black doll! Bumblebee threw Ironhide out the door, where he landed on the peak of Mount Everest far below. The mountain turned black! 

Bumblebee flew on to Cybertron, relieved that the shuttle still functioned. He entered Cybertronian airspace cautiously, waiting for Deception tri-fighters, which looked like they were made out of oragami. Nothing happened. He set his shuttle down right outside the Decepticon base. Still no reaction. Nothing stirred, no alarms sounded. It was much too quiet! Maybe the Decepticons were planning something. 

Unable to stand the deafening silence a moment longer, Bumblebee walked up to the base, and the doors opened wide. Trembling with fear, he stepped inside. He jumped as they clanged shut. Inching along the corridor, trying to make as little noise as possible, he made his way to the main control room. He knew where it was because he had a map he had bought for a haypenny in human currency. 

He cried out instinctively when he beheld the sight in front of him. All the Decepticons had turned into black dolls! Shockwave was in the middle of giving an order, no doubt to some hapless recruit to fetch some more of his Enerweed. Bumblebee snickered loudly. He had always thought Shockwave had looked stupid with a gigantic light bulb for a face. Shockwave had secretly bought stock in G.E. on Earth. The light bulb was now black! 

Bumblebee wanted to break Shockwave's light bulb, but then he wouldn't have anything to laugh at. Besides, he was getting a little lonely. Sure, it was great being the bravest, strongest, (only) Transformer active, but he had no one to intimidate. He searched around. The item had to be somewhere- most likely in Shockwave's quarters. Luckily, it was marked clearly on the map. 

Bumblebee followed the map's directions to Shockwave's quarters. The security measures outside had been deactivated when the black doll spores had infiltrated, so the door stood wide open. He stepped inside and gaped. The room was a holding pen for swine, as he put it. There were data pads and empty Enerbeer cans strewn all over the place. Bumblebee could see a corner of Machobot magazine poking through. Revulsed, he stepped carefully around the mess to the rack that held the CD collection in the corner. (Yes, CDs have made it to Cybertron.) 

"Where is it?" he muttered. "Metallica, Alice in Chains, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Kiss... what does this guy listen to? Ah, here it is!" He proudly held the CD aloft. Emblazoned on the front were the words "Transformers: the Movie soundtrack". "It's my favorite. In fact, it's everybody's favorite. It's been number-one on the chart for over ten years. Of course, that may be due to the subliminal lyrics that command everyone to buy ten copies." I guess I'd better play this and save civilization as we know it, he thought. But before he left the room he stole Shockwave's Enerweed stash and hid it in his subspace pocket. 

He carried his prize back to the main chamber and loaded it into the mega sound system that was used in "Blaster Blues". (Thought I wouldn't remember, didn't you:P) Actually, it was Soundwave's originally, but Starscream used it to play the soprano operas that he sang until Megatron threatened to slag him unless he stopped. 

Bumblebee switched on the system and turned the volume to the "universe-shaking" mark. Soundwave used this volume during his wild parties. Bumblebee shut down his audio sensors and waited. 

The entire base shook around him as "The Touch" blasted from the speakers and out into space. Since there is no air in space, nobody could hear it, but the soundwaves traveled to the atmosphere of the surrounding planets. Once there, it could be heard. 

Bumblebee watched in fascination as the pervasive blackness began to fade away. He breathed a sigh of relief, then realized that Transformers don't breathe. He felt very foolish. 

"Hey! Where'd that Autobot come from?" Bumblebee turned to see an oragami jet pointing a weapon at him. Just then, the base let out an ominous rumble and the support joints began to weaken. The sheer concussive force of the music was tearing the base apart! 

A chunk of the ceiling broke loose and fell between Bumblebee and the Decepticon. Bumblebee took his chance and dashed outside. He ignited the shuttle's engines, which was no longer black, and took off back to Earth, praying that Stan Bush would save the day. 

Ironhide was just reactivating as Bumblebee flew by. The stranded Autobot yelled, "Hey! What on Cybertron am I doing up here? Wait! Wait for me! Aw come on, I'm sorry I called you a waste of scrap metal. Pleeeease?" Bumblebee smiled nastily and flew on. 

The little Autobot arrived back at Autobot headquarters, where, to his relief, everyone had returned to normal. He smiled as he watched everyone running around in confusion. 

Optimus Prime found himself flat on his tailpipe on the ground. "How did I get here?" he wondered. 

Megatron roared, "Never mind that! Get your fat weight off of me so I can pound you!" 

Prime snickered. "Hm," he murmured, "it's such a nice day out, and I'm really comfortable here. I think I'll lay here awhile." He smiled to himself as Megatron thrashed beneath him, trying to get free. 

Ratchet ran over to his leader. "I think I know the problem, Prime. Kup has been neglecting to take his oil baths again. His rust flakes must have produced black doll spores, turning us into lifeless black dolls." 

Just then the geriatric Transformer wandered outside, talking to himself. "Y'know, sometimes I wish I were human. I could have dentures and Depends. I would try out that warrior's drink, prune juice. But for some reason I hate baked potatoes!" 

He stopped short when he noticed everyone standing around looking at him. "Oh no," he wheezed. From out of subspace, everyone pulled baked potatoes, even the Decepticons, who hated Kup too. "Noooo!" he gasped as the potatoes struck his chassis and broke open, steaming. The Aubotots and Decepticons ignored their battle for the moment in their effort to herd Kup towards the oil pools. 

Bumblebee smiled to himself in satisfaction. Today had been a great day. He had gotten to be the only Transformer functioning, and since he had shared "The Touch" and its subliminal message with the surrounding planets, the movie soundtrack was sure to become number one in the universe. Feeling content, he turned towards his quarters to smoke his newfound Enerweed. 

It's over. Go home. 


End file.
